Unguilty Pleasures

yeah, hi, I shouldn’t be here

2012-01-05T10:56:00.001-08:00

I should be cleaning my room. Cause it’s, like, a major disaster. It usually isn’t the tidiest of places because it’s full of stuff that doesn’t really have a home, but usually I can cram it all in the closet and call it good. However… since before Xmas… yeah.

So I need to get in there and get it together. And clean my bathroom, too. I said to Self “Self, you need to clean this room. And this bathroom. Until then, NO SIMS FOR YOU!” and I meant it. I haven’t been on Sims once since I got up, and I reeeeeally want to play Sims.

However, I did not say one thing about not getting on the internets. So technically I’m not disobeying my Self because I’m not Simming, just… doing really important things here. For scientific research. And it’s top secret, so you can understand why I don’t say exactly what it is I’m talking about. Not that I could tell you even if I knew, because I don’t usually know. What I’m talking about, I mean.

Which sounds like a problem, but let me assure, it really isn’t. At least, not usually.

Next week we start back up the homeschooling and I feel really mixed about it. I want to do it because these days of just being lazy are cool, but pointless. I want to get back into the routine. The kids NEED the routine. Things get weird with them if they don’t have routine. Well, wierder than usual. If that’s even possible.

I need to find some type of outside stuff to do with these guys because it’s getting lonesome, just us doing it. The problem with that is that I’m SUCH a homebody and I hate putting myself outside of my comfort zone. But these guys need more than just me, and the socialization that comes from being with other kids. Although it’s not something I’m really super excited to go out and do, I look forward to it at the same time because it’s something new and different.

Right now…? my little doggie is trying to get my attention. She wants me to give her pets. So, I will go and do that

as much as it pains me…

2012-01-02T22:47:00.001-08:00

I seriously need to commit to this blogging, or let it go.

I know, I know, I’ve said this in the past and meant it… and then flaked out like a giant flake. The thing is, I don’t know how to make myself do this. I WANT to do this, but I don’t know how to make myself.

I’ll figure it out.

So here is the down-low on what’s been what around here. First, we made it through Xmas. I was kinda freaking about how I was going to pay for it, but as it turned out, we got it figured out. And boy oh boy did we make it a good one! I had a fabulous time shopping for everyone, and the best part? Stephen got to come home for the holiday! He was here for two weeks. It was awesome.

The Night Before, I stayed up and, as per usual, drank drinky drinks and wrapped presents. The Man helped, and the work got done pretty quickly. Managed to get it done by 12:30 am, and that, friends, is a record for me. Usually I’m up til 2 or even 3, not that I mind, but getting more than a few hours of sleep on the Night Before is pretty awesome.

Anyway, the kidlets were all up before The Man and I were, even Mary, who at fifteen, could sleep the day away if I let her. The Man woke me up at about 6:20 saying that the kids were all up, and trying to be quiet, but it might be fun if we went ahead and let them have at it. I managed to negotiate making coffee before we released them, and it was on.

Everyone really enjoyed their presents. I have to say, I did a beautiful job this year wrapping. It never ceases to crack me up how long it takes to wrap them, hours and hours, and only minutes to tear them apart. At any rate, everyone loved their gifts, and I always love it when they love what they get.

We had breakfast shortly after, and then got started on making the feast. As usual for us, we had dinner early, and pretty much grazed at it all day and into the evening. I think I OD’ed on pie, to be honest. Totally overdid it. But it was worth it.

The following week we had our New Year’s Eve Extravaganza. We invited some of our friends, which was pretty cool. Everything went really well; the food was awesome, the games were fun, and it seemed like everyone had a pretty great time. The only sad part was that Stephen had to leave for Italy that night, and it about broke my heart to hug him goodbye. After he left, I just cried and cried. I can’t stand the idea that I won’t see him again for another year and a half. And the knowledge that he is being deployed… just, no. I want him here, with us, at home. Where he belongs. But that’s not how it is. And I have to accept that.

Other than that, it was a pretty awesome holiday this year.

multi-layered

2011-12-01T01:15:00.001-08:00

It happens sometimes. I’m fine, and then I’m not. I’m okay, and then I’m freaking out. Thoughts of how NOT okay I am start careening around in my head, like manic pinballs. My heart starts racing and my body breaks out in chills, all at once. I’m convinced I can’t breathe. I think, I’m going to die. I’m going to pass out and die right. here. Terror, big and dark and all-consuming, blankets me. I can’t focus on what’s real and what isn’t because in my mind, the physical symptoms mean that death is imminent. Because something is Seriously Wrong and I. am. going. to. die.

It’s called a panic attack. A very apt name since it really is an attack of panic. Unexpected, it hits you from out of nowhere. Hard and fast and painful, it takes your nerve and your breath and your composure and consumes you.

I’ve had them for years and years. When I was a teenager, sometimes I would have them multiple times a day. Over and over. I would wake up and almost as soon as my eyes opened, one would start. Or maybe I’d already be in the throes of one. They were terrible. They were horrible. They used me up and wrung me out and left me a mess in its wake. I made a fool of myself in front of my friends, at sleepovers, at school. I cried and cowered in absolute misery because of them. I had no handle on them. I had no control. They were eating me alive.

I had to find a way to not live with them but to deal with them, and a woman whose name I can’t remember gave me the key to handling them on my own. She said to me that she used to have them, too, and that she had to focus hard on something, something solid and real and right in front of her. Something she could look at and touch and hold. And focus on that, and only that, and breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe, and make the world smaller and smaller until only that thing you’re focused on exists. Until it is the sum total of your world.

It was like being thrown a lifeline when you’re drowning. I grasped onto that concept and made it my mantra. It was what helped me get a handle on the panic attacks,

They’ve declined steadily over the years, and now I can usually head them off before they even get going. There’s not always an obvious trigger; sometimes they just come on, for no apparent reason. I’ve come to recognize the tale-tell signs, and for the most part, I can get a grip before it grips me.

And then there are the times that I can’t, like tonight. It took awhile to come back down. It took a lot to manage to step back from the brink. And now I’m afraid to go lay down in the dark and try and sleep. I’m afraid to let down my guard. I’m afraid to relax.

So here I am, tapping away on my computer. Hopefully soon I can find my way to peace before the night drags on too much longer. I’m tired.

last night I wanted to punch sleep in the face

2011-11-25T14:29:00.001-08:00

I’m not normally a violent person, but sometimes, I want to punch things and people.

I never do, though. Goes back to being “not violent”. I mean, if I had to, like, fight for my life, I could punch things or people. Or if my kids or dog were being threatened, I could see myself taking a swing or three. I’m not really a real life badass, but in my head…? I so totally AM.

That being said, last night, as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I wanted to punch things. The longer I lay there awake, the angrier I got. Sleep, that elusive bastard, was nowhere in sight.

I did all the usual tricks that normally take me away to the Land of Nod, but all that happened was… me not sleeping. I tried doing the most boring and lame thing ever, my no-fail thing, counting backwards from 100. I’ve never made it to zero. Last night I did. Twice.

I gave up at one point and wandered down to the living room where I was going to read The Strain (I’m close to the end) and then I remembered that it was the middle of the night, everyone was asleep, and this book scares me in broad daylight so maybe I SHOULDN’T read it. I decided to watch TV instead. Oh, good! I have some episodes of Dexter to catch up on… erm. Hmmm. Maybe not…? Dexter doesn’t scare me, per se, but the premise of the show is suitably creepy, and that might work against the whole sleeping thing. Skip that. So I channel surf, and find a show on ID, only maybe I shouldn’t watch that either because it’s all true crime stuff, and it’s in the middle of the night… and I’m alone out here… and… and… what was that noise?

See, no one was winning. Not even Charlie Sheen was winning. It was an epic no-win kinda night.

I decided that I was definitely tired enough to go to bed and fall asleep. I told myself that it was late, I should be asleep, and I was ready for it. Part of me was rolling my eyes at myself and saying in my head that it wasn’t so because I knew I was lying. I told myself to shut my whore mouth, to leave me alone and stop being so negative.

Shut it. It made total sense last night.

So I headed back to my large, comfy bed where my man was sleeping all unawares that I had even left. I crawled in next to him, slid my sleep mask over my eyes, snuggled into my fluffy pillow and my blankets, got in the perfect sleep position, settled in and…

didn’t. fall. asleep.

Didn’t even DOZE. OFF.

What the fluffer, nutter?

Instead I lay there, totally comfortable and totally willing myself to sleep while my brain was laughing at me and doing cartwheels and going “neener neener neener”, and every time I tried to stop thinking, it would just take off in a new direction. It was a veritable whirlwind of activity. Where was sleep to put a curtail on this maniac?

And then, do you know what happened? I had to move. A perfectly perfect sleep position RUINED because my arm fell asleep before I did and I HAD TO MOVE. That just sucks, man. That just totally sucks.

I tossed and turned, unable to find another perfect position because, you know, that’s how it goes. And meanwhile my brain, having run out of meaningful matter to think about, starts in on the most inane and random things EVER. Things that I don’t even care about! Things I don’t even know why I know them!

I thought about getting up again and maybe reading something else or maybe finding a night-time appropriate show but by this time I was determined to GO TO SLEEP. I was going to lay there ALL NIGHT IF I HAD TO, but I was going to get some bloody sleep if. it. was. the. last. thing. I. did.

Screwing my eyes shut, curled in a tight ball, grimly determined to grab sleep and throttle the ever loving hell out of it when I finally caught it, convinced that I was going to see the light of day behind my closed lids before I saw true slumber, mad as hell…

I woke up five hours later, convinced that I was awake all night although I couldn’t quite explain how five hours had gone by with me all unawares…

It seems that sleep, that conniving ass, snuck up on me when I wasn’t looking and did it’s job anyway.

Next time, sleep. Next time you won’t be so lucky.

it’s not that i don’t want to…

2011-11-24T21:33:00.001-08:00

I just don’t. I keep thinking I should get on here and write something, anything… and then I let myself get distracted. I started working on a blog a few days ago but it turned out to be way longer than I thought it was going to be, so I saved it to drafts, meant to get back to it, and still haven’t.

On the plus side, I’ve been reading a lot. I finished three books this past week, and that’s never a bad thing. And the house…? isn’t even trashed because I have KIDS who CLEAN!

So today is Thanksgiving. I feel like this is, like Valentine’s Day, a fake holiday. One that, if you think about it, shouldn’t exist. But it does, and it has for a long time, and me boycotting it isn’t going to change it. Instead, I changed the reasons we celebrate it. It’s really all about the food and having A LOT of it today. Don’t get me wrong; there have been other Tdays where we had turkey sandwiches, and even turkey TV dinners, because we couldn’t do the whole turkey dinner feast. Kinda sucked. But it was what it was, and I don’t think that anyone has ever died because they had to eat TV dinners instead of the real deal on Tday.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Food. Lots of it. That, my friends, we had indeed. A huge bird that That Guy I Married got in the oven early this morning. We had pies and potatoes and gravy and corn and biscuits and stuffing and cranberry sauce and I think that’s it. We eat early and then just pick at it for the rest of the day and again for dinner. And then put it all away, and tomorrow, we’ll have leftovers!

Yay! for leftovers.

They call tomorrow Black Friday, and if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t be venturing forth in it. But, I have to. I have to get some lady products of the feminine hygiene sort because I suck at planning ahead. If that was too TMI for you, well, then forget you just read that last paragraph.

Anyway, while I’m venturing forth, I hope I don’t die. I don’t plan on going anywhere NEAR the toy section or the electronic section or even the clothes section; I seriously doubt (hope) that there is going to be a run on the lady products. I checked the ads, and it looks like that aisle, at least, is clear of deals and steals. So I might make it out in one piece. If not… well. It was nice knowing you.

And yeah. It’s later than I thought it was. I took a nap today, and it’s kinda messed up my whole inner clock.

Catch ya later…

tonight i am a badass because i made dinner

2011-11-02T18:41:00.001-07:00

Now, before you get all “psssh, I do that all the time”, let me explain.

See, I’m a mom and a wife and the owner of a pretty cute dog. My kids are homeschooled, and I’m of the stay-at-home-variety. My kids aren’t little anymore (almost 15 down to 10), so they don’t need that same intensity of constant monitoring that they did when they were younger. Still, my attention is rarely on just ME, if you get what I mean. I’ve got a lot going on all the time. It’s the life I signed up for, and I like it.

That being what it is, some nights I just don’t FEEL like making dinner. I’m, like, “dinner, make yourself!”. It has yet to actually happen. And since I don’t have a personal chef, I have to make it myself. My kids are JUST getting to that age where they can (and do) help, but they have yet to do it solo. I don’t think they’re ready; I’M not ready, either.

So anyway, some nights I just really don’t want to. And if we can swing it, those nights we get pizza or maybe Chinese. Tonight was one of those nights. I just really didn’t want to. And there weren’t enough leftovers to feed all six of us, either. However, neither was I feeling like takeout. So it was, like, a stand-off. Between myself and… well, myself.

So what was I to do?

Yeah, I got in there and I made the freaking dinner. It was easy, homemade chicken nuggets and French fries, but I still had to do it. And after it was done and baked and served, and as I sat there eating, I felt like SUCH a badass. Like, yeah, dinner… you don’t want to make yourself? I’LL SHOW YOU!

The kids were happy, that guy I married was happy, I was happy (because thinking of myself as a badass always makes me happy)… the only one who WASN’T happy was the dog. She didn’t get any of our food, and she pouted and stared at me mournfully the entire time I was eating. Sucks to be her, cause it was good!

trying to figure some stuff out

2011-09-28T08:46:00.001-07:00

When life gets weird for me, I retreat. And I don’t mean weird in that things around me are weird, but weird inside my head. Weirder than usual, I mean.

Sometimes it’s just random, no trigger, nothing out of the ordinary; my brain just decides to regurgitate things from the deep and I’m forced to deal with it. Other times I can feel that something is coming, some THING, and I have to anticipate it. And then sometimes life around me gets harder, and my brain wants to go into lock down and I want to retreat behind the pages of my books, in the world of my Sims, kill some zombies… anything except interact with actual real humans. Except I have four kids and a husband and needy little doggie and retreating is not always an option. Mostly not an option, anyway.

Luckily my family is pretty understanding and they let me be when I get weird. Well, the girls do. The boy child, who is eleven, not so much; not because he isn’t a sweetheart (he so is) but because he’s… an eleven year old boy. He doesn’t, you know, GET IT. The husband is pretty great at running interception for me, and thank the gods for that man, because he understands me so well. He can even sense when things are about to get weird, like some kind of emotional weather-man. Sometimes he’ll bring it to my attention before I’m even aware of it, pointing out in his gentle (but only with me) way, and in some rare instances, I can head it off before it even starts.

The last thing I want to do is go and be social. I want to hide, and pretend that the outside world doesn’t exist, that this right here is the beginning and the end of the known universe. I could happily stay inside all week, all weekend, and only venture out so far to get the mail.

Alas, it’s really the last thing I need to be doing. Before this weird set in, I made plans for the weekend. Hanging out with my friend, having an old fashioned sleepover, having guests over for dinner, interacting with other adult shaped humans I’m not related to for the entire weekend. I can’t let the weird settle in too deep or cling too hard because I have things to DO.

I guess I’ll just have to get over it. I hope it’s as easy as it sounds.

it’s bloody hot out there

2011-09-07T15:49:00.001-07:00

I’ll be the first to admit that we here in San Diego, CA are big wimps and giant man-babies when it comes to the weather. When other parts of the country are buried in snow, we’re whining about the lack of sunshine on a 63* day, and that we *have* to “wear a jacket” outside. My friends in the South will be literally deluged with water from three week long rainstorms, and we’re up in arms about how “unseasonably” humid it is out here. We probably have the most cheerful weather reporters in the world, and yet we’re ready to string them up if they predict a less than perfect day in the forecast.

I’ve heard it said that those who have rarely, if ever, been here think that it’s always sunny, beautiful, and a balmy 75*. Mostly they’re right; I like to call this the land of two seasons, summer, and not-summer. We ARE lucky when it comes to the weather, and it’s probably the main reason we pay the big bucks to live here.

That being said, and considering that I AM a self-proclaimed weather wuss… today it got hot. Yesterday it was, too, but today was hotter. Hot enough to be hot anywhere, I think, at 102*. Hot like you go outside and the air sucks all the moisture from you, and you’re hurrying to get from one air-conditioned place to the next. Water in bottles, in glasses, from the faucet, even straight from the hose, if you have to, tastes like the manna of life. Hot like you cross the pavement and you can feel your shoes almost melting, and the radiant heat crawling through your soles and up your calves. Hot that even that breeze that just sprang up feels more like a blast from the furnace, and the only redeeming thing about being in the shade is that the glare of the sun isn’t in your eyes anymore. Hot like that.

That was what today was.

I took my kids to the library and as we stepped from the back porch into the heat of the driveway, we almost decided to go back inside. Still, we went, and I was glad that we have a carport and that our van hadn’t been baking in the sun all day; no way would we have gone then, no matter that my requested book was there and waiting for me.

Walking from the car and into the library made me wish I had brought some water from home, for all that it’s fifty feet from the lot to the door. Stepping into that library was like jumping into a pool of cool water; all silent, cold air washing over you and cooling you from head to foot in one moment from the next. It almost shocks you, making you want to stand completely still and absorb that cold air into your body, storing it up because you know that sooner or later, you have to go back outside.

Hot like that, today was.

Later, we’ll take the dog for a walk because right now, she’d probably fall over from the heat and that wouldn’t be good. She’s small and low to the ground and the heat hits her harder and faster than it does us. After her walks on days like this, even if we wait til evening, she comes in and lays on her side and pants, her little body radiating heat until she finally regulates, and then she just sleeps and sleeps.

Hot that I don’t really care how high the bill gets for our using the air conditioning today; I don’t know what we’d do if were still in our old house, without it. Sweating into puddles, if we’d had any moisture left, probably. I’m really glad we live in this house now.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring cooler weather. Until then, stay frosty.

my kids are insane.

2011-09-06T14:47:00.001-07:00

Day Two of Project Homeschool started out much more smoothly than I expected. We got right to it; discussion, then journals, then moved onto math.

And this is where things get weird…

After a certain amount of time passed, I said it was time to move onto the next thing. Instead of the glee *I* would have expressed at being able to shove math to the side (so not a math fan, despite that it CAN BE useful… from time to time…) I was greeted with groans and moans. “Do we HAVE to?” and “This was just getting good!”

No, really.

I had to check and double check and then one more time to make sure that these were MY kids and that they WEREN’T kidding and that none of them had been struck on the head or body snatched by aliens. Because… math? REALLY?

It gets worse. The eldest girl says “I love this. I’m having so much fun.” And my second daughter, Alexandra, upon hearing that we could do math for thirty more minutes, punches the air hisses “YESSSSSS!”

What, what, what are they THINKING?

At least the youngest amongst them has not gone insane, or so I thought. When she heard that we going to continue with math, she groaned, moaned, and whined. However, when it came time to REALLY move on this time, she whines that she wants to finish “these last few problems, please, Mom?”

Which proved to me that whatever dread disease they’ve contracted IS catching. I am going to have be very careful and check myself for signs of contagion. If I start exhibiting signs of this malady, please get me some help, posthaste. You have my permission to do what needs be done!

like a big puzzle

2011-09-05T17:45:00.001-07:00

… and I only have a few pieces, so far. That was what day one of homeschooling was like.

Day one went pretty well. The kids were eager to get started, and they were ready and willing well before it was time to start. I was excited, and wanted to start early, too, but the husband said that it was probably a better idea if we start when we’re supposed to (9 am), and after I thought about it, yeah. He’s right.

I was kinda nervous. More because I just wasn’t sure, really, how this was going to play out. We started with the general outline of how our days were going to go. I had them write in journals they’re going to keep during the school year, and then we discussed what they wrote. They seemed eager to start doing some work, and even though I hadn’t really PLANNED on doing work today… well, why not?

The room isn’t totally set up yet, I don’t have all the stuff I need for their schooling, I kinda feel clueless about the whole thing… but…

that’s alright. We’ll figure it out; of that, I have no doubt.

tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow

2011-09-04T19:47:00.001-07:00

*deep breath*

Tomorrow I start something I’ve been talking about for months. Tomorrow starts a whole new chapter in my and my family’s life. Tomorrow is the first day of…

homeschooling!

Am I nervous? Yeah. More because I’m not totally prepared, but me not being totally prepared is part of the grand plan. At first I had this idea that I had to have all things ready, everything in place, this whole schedule made and a course set. And things just didn’t fall out that way, but instead of freaking out…

Okay, I kinda sorta freaked out.

…instead of freaking out overmuch, I looked at how I could make this work. And what I figured out is that it’s better that I don’t have a plan.

No, really, Shanna, stop choking on your coffee and listen, I KNOW what I’m talking about. Really.

It turns out that it’s BETTER that I don’t have a plan because this way, I can do what I said I wanted to do all along- go in the direction that my kids take me. Now, don’t get me wrong; I plan to educate them. They WILL be doing things like math and English and geography and history and all that good stuff… but not quite so rigidly. Instead of having everything in place, we can explore different ways of learning. We can tailor each lesson according to each child’s needs, which was the point originally.

This started because of the budget cuts to our schools and how unhappy with that The Man and I were with it. And then, looking deeper, and seeing how this was really affecting our children’s learning process in the classroom, the idea to homeschool began to take form. At first, it was just an idea thrown out there. As time went on, and I really looked into it, it not only seemed plausible, but like the right thing TO do. Almost like, why weren’t we doing this ALL ALONG?

I mean, it might suck, I’m not saying that it won’t. We might all be unhappy with it in the long run. I don’t think that’ll be the case… but I have to consider it.

That’s a risk I’m willing to take.

I really look forward to tomorrow. I think it’s going to be the start of a really great time in our lives!

In other news, right now, at this moment, my eldest daughter Noel is wearing my hat and has wrapped a quilt around her shoulders and is spinning and swaying around my room in time to Canon in D. She is a strange child, that one.

I wouldn’t have her any other way, I really wouldn’t…

what to write, what to write…

2011-09-03T23:57:00.001-07:00

I used to love writing. I wrote something, somewhere, everyday, practically. In my journal, in notebooks, someplace online… just whatever, whenever.

Then I stopped. I don’t really know what happened. It’s like I lost interest. I haven’t written in my journal for months. I feel like things are passing me by, and by not recording them, I’ve been letting them slip away between my fingers.

Everything just happens so fast now. The kids are growing at alarming rates, the new school year is upon us, The Man and I are about to celebrate our eighth anniversary… I know that isn’t a really long time to be married in the grand scheme of things, but that’s not really my point. My point is that eight years of marriage just went by, and it feels like it was just a few months ago that I was standing next to that man, repeating my vows and saying I will, I do, forever.

I feel like I blink, and time passes.

My two older daughters, Noel and Alex, are both as tall as I am (that isn’t saying a lot, since I’m, like, 5’3”) but still… I remember being able to hoist them onto my hip! It wasn’t that long ago that they were looking up at me! And the younger two, Douglas and Therese, are right there, hot on their heels, growing faster than I think they should be. Douglas is eleven, and I had to buy him new pants recently; just the other day, I was looking through my closet, and found the sleeper I put him in the day we came home from the hospital.

It’s hard to believe, looking at him now, that he was ever that small.

I need to get better at recording things. I want to more than remember, I want to know for sure that my recollection of events are accurate. I want the evidence of my own words that things happened. Even if it’s only me that ever reads any of it. Even if it’s only me that wants to look back and “remember when…”

my little big girl

2011-08-24T21:11:00.001-07:00

Something happened this past weekend, something seemingly small in the grand scheme of things, but huge in reality. Something monumental. A milestone. A landmark moment.

I dropped my daughter off at the mall.

Her name is Noel, and she is 14. She’s tall and lovely and sweet and smart and funny. I adore her, and I think the feeling is mutual. She has a very best friend, a girl named Isabella, and they share similar personalities and views and even look alike. Isabella has spent as much time over here as Noel has over there.

This past weekend, Noel asked if I would take them to the mall. The crux; she wanted me to simply drop them off and leave. The reason this is such a huge deal is because this has never happened before. I’ve ALWAYS gone to the mall with her; even when we go to the movies, and she sits in a different part of the theater with her friend, I’m still there. Right there with her, guarding her and protecting her and making sure that she’s safe.

I’m not a helicopter mom- I don’t really hover. I know you might be wondering how that can be true when I just said I’m always around whenever we go out. The thing is, she’s never made this request before, asking me to drop them off and leave; I knew it would happen, but that was always “some day”. In the future. When she was “old enough”.

Well, she’s old enough.

So I took her and her friend to the mall and dropped them off. I DID have some things I wanted/needed to do while I was there, like go to Cost Plus World Market and get this soap-

(it’s completely awesome, by the way- click the pic for a link to check it out)

and to Barnes & Noble to get this book-

Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. So it wasn’t like I was just leaving, although I wasn’t planning on staying, either. My friend Neya was with me and we went where we needed to go. At first, it seemed that Noel and Isabella were following us; I don’t think that she quite knew what to do with this new found freedom, and she was accustomed to just being with me whenever we go anywhere. However, after I was done with my errands, I waved goodbye to her, and left.

It was SO WEIRD driving away without her in the car. I felt like I had forgotten something. It was just… strange.

And, in a way, it was like I was passing the torch. I remember going to the mall when I was a teenager, hanging out with my friends. We either walked or took the bus or, if we were lucky, catch a ride with someone’s parent before any of us could drive. We could, and did, spend hours at the mall, just wandering around, looking at things, and just generally being teenagers. It was a lot of fun. Kinda the highlight of the week, right?

A few hours later she called for an extraction, and I headed over there to collect her. She and Isabella were full of laughter and giggles, and when I asked what it was that they did, they both just burst out laughing. I couldn’t help but smile; they were so happy. Just, young and happy and carefree. It was cool seeing her like that.

A little sad for me, the mom, because it’s just another step in the direction of her growing up… and out. I feel like things are starting to happen very quickly now…

my life in fast forward

2011-08-13T17:41:00.001-07:00

All too often, things don’t go as planned. My plans to register in school this semester have been somewhat debunked, due to lack of financial funds. I find it highly, somewhat bitterly, ironic that I can’t afford school, and my husband makes too much on paper for me to qualify for financial aid. My taxes, and people like me, pay for those who are unable to pay for themselves… and yet if I want to go to school, I have to either pay out of pocket or take out a loan. I’m not upset at those who need financial aid; far from it. If I could utilize it, I would. That’s what it’s for, to help those you NEED it. I’m mad at the system. The stupid, broken system.

I’m not complaining that I don’t have enough. I’m not mad because we only make just enough. Having been on the receiving end of never having enough to make ends meet, of having to rob Peter to pay Paul month after month, of being perpetually behind all the time, of having horrid credit… I am so freaking grateful that we have enough now to make ends meet. I’m so grateful for the job security, the steady paycheck, the fact that every other week I can fill my fridge and cupboards, fill my gas tanks, even go out to dinner every once in awhile, and I’ve managed to cobble enough together the past two years to take trips to visit friends. I have reliable vehicles, my kids and husband are healthy, and I even have a pet that I can provide the good dog food for and not have to go cheap because I can’t afford not to. So don’t read me wrong; I have a good life, and I know it. I just wish… I really, really wish that I could afford school.

I wish that so hard.

I guess it’s human nature, maybe selfishly, to want more. I have friends who would trade places with my situation in a hot second, and I’m ever mindful of that. I try really hard to not be bitter about things I can’t change, and I try really hard to focus on the things I have instead of the things I want.

This school thing, though…. this is hard for me to accept as is. I keep crunching the numbers and because of other obligations, it just isn’t going to work out right now. It’s frustrating and I’m having a hard time working through and getting over it. That being said, I keep telling myself, maybe next semester… maybe…. maybe….

excuses, excuses

2011-07-19T16:46:00.001-07:00

I feel like I’ve been on the dark side of the moon. Not really lost, exactly, just not in the mood to do anything beyond what needs to be done. I’ve been busy enjoying my kids and husband and my cute little dog, reading some really awesome books, and playing Plants vs. Zombies on the XBox and Spore on the computer.

Things that have changed since last I wrote:

1. Stephen, Bonus Son One, has gone, this time for good, probably. He couch crashed with us for over a year before finally being able to get his military issues worked out, and now instead of being a reservist Marine Corp. he is active duty in the Army. After three false starts, six months ago he really did leave. First he went to Fort Bragg in North Carolina. Although he made it through training for airborne, he chose to opt out on special forces and be reassigned to a different unit. He came home for a week earlier this month, and now he’s in Italy for two years. I know that I ‘m only supposed to feel proud, but I also feel worried for him, because regardless of who gave birth to him, he’s a son to me in my heart, and a mother worries when her kids aren’t around. And he is so very far away… but I am really proud of him. He’s a neat guy. And I really, really like him.

2. We moved. Don’t even get me started on the level of crazy my former landlords got to; suffice to say, they have issues. After the stove broke in that place, and the huge fallout behind it, Joe and I decided that it would be best for everyone if we moved. So come tax return time, that’s what we did. We moved from that house to one just down the street, one that’s about 30 years newer and a whole lot nicer, with an actual company for a landlord instead of Crazy T and her husband. We have AC, guys. It’s been five years since I lived in a place with AC; I almost didn’t know how to act. The rooms are smaller but the kitchen is awesome and the tradeoff is SO worth it. Especially considering what they did to the next tenant; they took his deposit and his rent for five months and didn’t pay the mortgage, and didn’t say anything, and when the mortgage company foreclosed, didn’t answer or return their tenant’s calls or emails. Joe and I feel like we totally, totally dodged a bullet there.

3. In big, huge, giant news… I’m going to homeschool the wee beasties this next year. The short explanation for that is because the state of California has cut billions from our education budget and the result of that has been drastic cuts in our schools. Larger class sizes, fewer teachers and staff, different programs being cut… you name it, it’s been affected. After much deliberating, discussion, and research, I made the decision to take them out and homeschool. It’s going to be very interesting, but I’m excited. And nervous.

4. And, back to school I go, as well. In short, I want to buy a house. I’m sick of paycheck to paycheck living. Tired of barely pulling through, one month after the next. Some weeks we have less money than we have people in the family in the bank account, and that bites. So that means me getting a job. The problem is that I have a very limited skill set, so any job I get is going to be minimum wage, weird hours, and not enough overall. So I’ve looked into different options and decided to go with the dental hygienist program. I have to have several pre-requisite classes first, so I’ll start there. Realistically, we’re talking about three, three and a half years before I get my degree and can go to work. However, it is what it is and we all think this is the best route. If we’re ever going to be able to buy a house, this is the best way.

5. I’m taking a trip in Virginia to visit some friends I met via a social network called Cafemom. I’ve “known” these women for the better part of two, three years and some of them I’ve been lucky enough to meet in real life (I went to visit my best friend in Texas a year ago and several of my Cafemom friends lived close enough to get together). I’m so, so, so excited to meet my friends. This is going to be such a good time! I’m really looking forward to it.

And that’s that, as they say. More later.

thankful!

2010-11-25T21:18:00.001-08:00

It’s Turkey Day, y’all. Hope everyone had a happy one!

As for me and mine, we had a lovely one. As per usual, Man got the turkey in the oven verrah early (he’s totally in charge of it; I don’t wanna) and thus it was ready by noon. I made all the side fixings, and we had a pretty good feast. The kids were totally excited by all the food. And as we sat around feasting, I felt really good that we were able to provide this for them. I know that there are a lot of people out there who can’t.

We spent the day eating and goofing around and reading. I had a couple glasses of wine and had a nice buzz happening. Then I got really, really tired and took a really, really good nap.

My good friend Friend came down and had dinner with us; she brought a delicious pumpkin pie (MADE WITH REAL PUMPKIN!!) just for me. I should share it buuuuut…. no. All for me!

I’m kinda kidding, and kinda serious about that. Not sure which way I’m going to swing yet.

I called my father earlier and it was nice talking to him; he’s still plugging away out there in PA. My brother and sister are doing good, but his dad isn’t doing so well; Grumpy is 85, and yeah… not so hot. Dad says his health has really declined. But he’s not in any pain… so that’s good.

So that’s a rundown of our Thanksgiving. It was good; can’t complain!

i should be disappointed, but i’m not

2010-11-18T07:09:00.001-08:00

I lost my voice yesterday. My kids have all had the flu, and I caught it, but only for one day. What stayed around was this lingering, nagging cold. Not the worst cold I’ve ever had but still, annoying. Well, yesterday I woke up and realized that my voice was taking a hiatus and in its place was this squeaky sounding thing that did not lend itself to getting the respect that I should get from my various offspring. Meaning that they found it HI-larious that their mom sounded like Mickey Mouse on speed.

They kept asking me to do things, like swear. And then laugh. I really should beat them more…

Today, though, my voice is back! And so is the respect!

I’ve been working on a new afghan lately and thought that last weekend I would have finished it. It’s one of those that you crochet several pieces and then assemble them and sew them together. Well, upon assemblage, I realized that original creator of said afghan must have been a garden gnome because the afghan was that small. Could comfortably cover up my dog (who is about the size of a garden gnome), but not a whole grown up type person like… say… me.

So after some brainstorming, included ideas like making the border, like, really really big or just carrying forth and just giving it to the dog after all, I finally decided to just go ahead and double the number of afghan pieces and make the afghan twice as big. And THEN it should be big enough for one person, especially since the border will add to the size. This, however, creates more work for me and sets the time frame for completion back another three weeks.

I really should be kinda bummed about this because I have a few other afghan projects lined up after I finish this one that I really want to do, but… I’m not disappointed. I like crocheting. More than that, I like solving problems that I can solve. I guess the problem solving thing has more to do with the fact that I’m kind-of a control freak and less to do with the enjoyment of crocheting, so maybe being happy about solving this kind of problem shouldn’t give me the kind of glee that it does since it’s feeding an issue that I really should be working on instead of enabling. However, that does not negate the fact that I am kinda excited about doubling the size of my afghan because the original pattern was too small. Either that says more about my life (or lack thereof) than is healthy or I really should get some therapy.

Or maybe I should stop overanalyzing the hell out of everything, including (especially) my own motives. But I think that is also part of the whole control freak thing, though, so I don’t know that I actually can without some sort of pharmaceutical intervention, and dood, all I want to do is finish the afghan!

And that is where that leaves me, today.

following the path of least resistance

2010-11-17T17:16:00.001-08:00

I can’t believe I spelled that right on the first try. I bet you didn’t know it, but I am a wretched speller. The reason you didn’t know that about me is because I’m, like, Queen of Spell Check Using. Only don’t call me that because it makes me sound less serious than I really am, and I am pretty fucking serious most of the time.

Seriously.

So today I was thinking that I should get dressed and act like a productive member of society only here’s the thing; I don’t wanna. And then I was all “oh my gods, Jenna, you’re such a looooser, what do you do all day?” to which I replied “I am NOT a loser! And I do stuff all day, just… you don’t know everything I do!” and then I realized that once again I am having an argument with myself and… losing.

Here’s the thing; I am lazy. Like, extremely. I don’t live in a mess of a wreck or anything- stuff gets cleaned and picked up. But it’s more of a haphazardly type thing, like I see it and clean it up. And if it takes me a few days to picking up that rolled up sock on the floor that missed the hamper, or the pieces of paper that didn’t quite make the trash can, or whatever thing it is, then it takes me a few days. And then sometimes I’m on it like white on rice, and I go all insane and clean like a maniac and life and my house smells like Lemon Mr. Clean.

The problem with going all insane and cleaning is that invariably it gets dirty again. And I seriously hate that. I have it in my head that once I expend all this energy in cleaning something, it should fucking STAY clean! Like, forever! But it only works like that in soap operas. Have you ever noticed that in soaps, the houses are ALWAYS clean, and no one is ever actually cleaning? No? Just me…? huh…

Anyway.

Where was I? Oh yeah… cleaning…

Um.

I think I’ll go do something else.

wide open spaces

2010-11-16T11:38:00.001-08:00

I’m totally a stay at home mom. Now complete with little purse sized dog and a mini-van. Kids go to school, Man goes to work and I hang out here and think of new and exciting things to do. Sometimes I even bake cookies and homemade bread. Right now I’m sipping a cup of java in my favorite elephant mug.

A complete and total stereotype, I am.

I’m not complaining! I’m not, like, bored or unhappy or anything (that’s what the anti-depressants are for!); I dig my life and all that. How could I not? It’s just that sometimes I look at myself and I feel like… what should I do NOW?

Here’s the truth; I procrastinate. I look at things and think, could I do that tomorrow? Next week? And if the answer is yes, then that is when I do it. The only things I don’t procrastinate on are things that I can’t; take, for example, appointments. I am ever prompt. If I say I’m going to be somewhere, then that’s where I am. I get the kidlets to school on time and I make sure dinner is ready at roughly the same time every evening. So I can DO it… whatever IT is, but I choose NOT to. Make sense?

A couple of months ago I decided to rearrange the furniture in my living room. This was prompted because I had a few boxful of books that were languishing in my closet because I didn’t have anyplace to put them; my bookcases were too full. So I bought a new bookcase. Instead of tearing it out of its box and assembling it right then and there, I let it sit. Because I didn’t like where I had planned to place it once assembled; I wanted to rearrange the furniture.

Instead of getting right on that, like normal people, I let it sit. I waited until the time felt “right”. I had never been that thrilled with the placement of my living room furniture in the first place, so me getting the motivation to move it all around in a more pleasing manner was not really that difficult to want to do. Making myself do it…? Took a little longer.

Eventually I got around to it. And like everything in my life, it was a case of one morning, I woke up, and just… got busy. The easiest part was moving the TV and the computer around. The hardest and most demanding part was pulling off all of my books from the shelves and moving the bookcases around. I have. A lot. Of. Fucking. BOOKS.

The whole process was totally slowed down because I kept stopping to leaf through this book and that book, reading favorite passages, looking for little factoids that had eluded my memory about specific plot points, making mental notes that I want to read this one and that one and this one over here again… yeah. Thank the gods for my youngest daughter, who loves a project and really through herself into this one; she really helped me get them all organized and back on the shelves. And once we did that, we were able to put together the new bookcase and YAY! Now all of my books are up off the floor and my living room is rearranged more to my liking. Now it’s a wide open space and that is what I always wanted.

So…

Yeah.

What do I do NOW?

i applied for a j-o-b

2010-10-11T19:57:00.001-07:00

Tired of living paycheck to paycheck, we are. My husband makes a good living but there are a lot of us, and we live in So Cal, which isn’t cheap. We’re a one income family. We do alright, but at the same time, it feels like there’s never enough to cover everything. I’m not complaining; I know that there are a lot of people who are in way worse a position than we are. I’m extremely grateful that The Man has a good job, and that we can cover our bills. I’ve lived on the other side of that, and I’m no stranger to hardship or wanting. This is way better than that.

That being said, I AM tired of living paycheck to paycheck. There’s no such thing as “savings”. If something goes wrong? we’re swinging in the breeze. While we can afford what we have, there isn’t a lot beyond that. So I’ve been thinking about ditching the stay-at-home-mom thing and becoming a working mom. My children are older now, and I don’t feel as bad about leaving them.

The issues of me working are thus; I’m not overly qualified to DO anything. I can work a register, and I’m great with people, but jobs like that mean working less than desirable hours and if I’m going to be doing that? I want to get paid. Does that make me sound selfish? Do I care? I wanted to go to school and get a degree and do something with it, but that didn’t work out. Ironically I can’t afford school because that guy I married makes too much money. If I were single, I could get all the grant money I needed. However, that isn’t exactly a viable option. Don’t think I don’t see the irony in that.

So what does that leave me?

The county we live in is accepting applications for 911 radio dispatchers for the Sheriff’s Department. No experience required. The hours are going to be long, I’ll have to do shift work, but instead of just having a job, I’ll have a career. That’s IF they hire me. I just put in the application last week, and the process could take months… if they’re even interested. I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

see, there was this thing… and then this other thing….

2010-10-10T15:56:00.001-07:00

Which is why I haven’t been writing. I mean, you know, I’ve had… stuff!

And that? is really just a a big fat excuse. I’ve been busy, yeah, but I could’ve taken a time out of BUSY and done some writing.

First things first… I can’t believe it’s been about two weeks since I last blogged… seems like it was just a week… anyway, the thing is, my youngest daughter fainted on the 30th. We were in the bathroom, and I was fixing her hair, and she started complaining that her stomach hurt and that she needed to sit down. Then she went all pale, said the everything was dark, and that was that- lights out. Luckily I was behind her and was able to get under her and keep her from going down. She was all stiff and her eyes were wide open but she wasn’t SEEING anything. Fixed stare thing happening, and I was feeling something like terror, but it was far removed, like it had nothing to do with me. I had to take care of HER. My fear had to take a back seat to what was happening, so it did.

Like I said, I got under her and carried her across the room (we were in my bathroom) to my bed. A few steps from the bed, she came to; her eyes focused, and she looked around in panic, asking me what happened. I felt relief, but again, it was far removed, like it didn’t have anything to do with me. I wanted her to be okay; she was okay. She was scared and confused, but she was okay.

Fast forward; we went to the doctor (duh) and there she received a clean bill of health. Relief much? After a little delayed freaking out (where no one could see), relieved I was indeed.

Fast forward six days, and it happens again, only this time she’s at school. On the swings, and of course she fell off. It was only after I questioned her that I found out that she couldn’t remember falling, couldn’t remember why she fell, couldn’t remember what she was doing to cause her to fall; everything went black, and the next thing she’s aware of, she’s on the ground, her face is cut, and she’s covered in sand.

This is me, being calm. I have to admit, I was pretty calm. I made her an appointment, got her back into the doctor (her regular pediatrician this time), and now? she’s getting herself a full work up. They’re leaning more towards something neurological, like seizures, rather than something to do with her heart. Both are equally scary to me, but really, I’m pretty calm. I’ll panic if and when I have something to panic about. Until then, there’s no point.

So next week she’s going to go in and get her head checked, and we’ll go from there.

And that is what’s going on with that.

3d times the charm…?

2010-09-25T23:55:00.001-07:00

I was doing so well, and then… I wasn’t. WHAT HAPPENED? It seems that I lost steam. Can’t explain it any other way…

I want to do this whole blogging thing… maybe the 100 days is a bit much. Maybe start smaller? Like, an entire month, taking Saturdays off. I could probably do that… yeah?

I think I need to think about this more.

So anyway, life has been good. Today especially (according to my clock, I still have 23 minutes of today left). The Man and I went to the Toyota dealership and we bought a new car. A Sienna. A very pretty one. And the best part? We all fit in it! See, this is the first time since the last of my spawn were born that I’ve had a car that my entire family can fit in. As you can surmise, this is a big deal. Until now, we didn’t go too many places together, and when we did, it was always a giant pain in the ass to manage it. Now, though, it’s going to only be a matter of ALL of us getting in the car and ALL of us arriving at the same time! Imagine that!

This past week has been rather eventful. Took the younger two kidlets to the dentist- no cavities! But the boy child has to go to an orthodontist; the kid needs braces. Joy. The youngest girl child also had no cavities, and we like it when that happens. She’s taking her oral health very seriously since her visit, brushing and flossing more effectively. But that’s typical of her; when she finally sets her mind to something, she goes and does it.

The next day, I had a doctor appointment for a previously unmentioned incident, and I’m happy to report a clean bill of health! So say YAY! and we can all get back to the business of whatever our business might be.

Oh, and I turned 34, too. Which was both slightly surreal and anti-climatic. Birthdays just aren’t as exciting as they used to be. I wonder what that’s all about, anyway…

I DID get some very lovely gifts, though. I have very thoughtful friends and family.

I bought some Halloween decorations this past week, too. VERY exciting stuff, that is. I love it. I’ve never really decorated seasonally before, although I’ve kinda always wanted to. I see other people’s houses and think, hm, that’s neat, I should do something like that… and then… I don’t. THIS year I decided that at least for Halloween, I would decorate. However, the places I’ve been buying my decor from have some very neat trinkets for fall in general, and I’m thinking that after Halloween has passed, it would be neat to get some Thanksgiving type stuff up, too. And of course Xmas…

I’m beginning to see that it’s a cycle, possibly a vicious one, meant to depart me from my money. However, this is a cycle that I think I don’t think I’ll mind at all!

Alright, kids. I just heard what I think was gunshot from outside my window. No, I’m not kidding. I don’t think it was super close, but neither was it that far away, so I’m going to take that as my cue and go away to bed now.

I could totally be wrong, because although it sounded like there was some yelling and other excitement happening immediately after the maybe gunshot, I don’t hear anything else, and I think that I would hear sirens by now, because someone would have called the cops.

(hello, run-on sentence)

Alright. This is me, signing off. Later, doods.

life happens

2010-09-14T10:58:00.001-07:00

100 days of blogging is a great idea… in theory. I’m pretty disappointed that I missed a few days, although it was somewhat inevitable given certain circumstances. No, I don’t really want to share those circumstances. I’ve come to the realization that I’m a fairly private person, and while I don’t mind, even enjoy writing about day to day stuff, with some silly and some serious thrown in there, I have to draw a line somewhere and this is one of those times.

Part of it is that I’m not entirely sure just what happened… only that it wasn’t fun, and I have a doctor’s appointment next week. Suffice to say that for one whole day I was more or less out of commission, and the next day (yesterday) I was feeling tired and overwhelmed and didn’t seem to have the wherewithal to sit in front of my computer and write about random stuff.

That being said, drawing a line and being all cryptic doesn’t really make good blogger fodder, I know. But for now, at least, this is where I’m at. I hope that’s alright with you.

I’ve decided that I’m going to push on with this 100 days of blogging, life notwithstanding. Sometimes, things are going to just happen. I might not be able to get to the computer to blog my little heart out. Like this upcoming weekend, for example; I’ve going to be soooooper busy come Friday and Saturday. Saturday is the Virgo Bash where my friend Neya and I are throwing a duo birthday party. Friday I have to bake a ton of stuff for said party, as well as do all of the regular errands and what-not, plus ferry the kidlets from place to place. And then head up to Neya’s for a sleepover because the next day is the party, and we can’t fit all of US plus everything else we need to bring in our one teeny car. I don’t think that on Saturday I’ll be able to get to a computer to blog. I think I’ll be pretty busy.

At least on Sunday I’ll have some good pictures and a good story to tell, right?

So that’s pretty much it, for now. Later, gators.

12 down, 88 to go!

URG.

2010-09-11T16:46:00.001-07:00

Thought I had it this time, but nope! I checked the cheesecake and it has these deeeep cracks running through it. It doesn’t do anything negatively to the flavor, these cracks, but it doesn’t look like I want it to and I WANT TO THROW IT AWAY.

My kids think it looks cool. My husband says “it’s fine”. Cool? Fine? NO! It’s not cool and it’s not fine, it’s a wretched testament to my cheesecake making skills, is what it is! People are going to SEE it, and know that I am lacking in the cheesecake making skill! Lacking!

le sigh….

I want a do-over. However, it doesn’t quite work that way. I don’t have TIME for a do-over. Unless I stay up all nite… hmmm….

11 down, 89 to go!

10 days later….

2010-09-10T20:20:00.001-07:00

…and she’s still BLOGGING! Okay, in the grand scheme of things, this is not big news. This doesn’t even qualify as news, really. But to me, it’s a good start to a big undertaking.

Today I set out to do three things-

get thee to the grocery store before thine family runs short(er) on milk
return the library books to the library
give the dog a bath

I am happy to report that all three things on my To Do List got did. Except I forgot to buy the cream cheese and sour cream I need to make homemade cheesecake. My friend Richard is having a birthday party on Sunday and I volunteered to make the birthday cake. Apparently, he liked it a lot, that cheesecake. Well, what’s not to like? It’s a FANTASTIC cheesecake.

So tomorrow morning I have to run to the market to get the stuff to make the cake. The cake making is a bit tedious, and takes about seven hours total (six of those are just letting it alone to set), and we’re having company tomorrow. I COULD get up early(ish) to go and get the stuff to make the cake… but will I? Oh HELL no. No no and no. Weekends are my bliss. I get to sleep in. I love to sleep in. It’s one of my absolute favorite things to do. Loooooove it.

Alright. I know that this has been a most fascinating read, but all good things must come to a close. This would be me, signing off, til tomorrow!

Peace!

football season!

2010-09-09T19:25:00.001-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not, like, the biggest football fan that ever walked. I am, however, appreciative of the sport and am a BIG fan of the Chargers. The problem is that I don’t totally understand the game. I like to be in the same room when it’s on, but I lose interest because I don’t get all the plays and the rules and the jargon. Lucky for me, I’m married to a HUGE football fan, a guy who knows the sport inside and out, and is more than willing to ‘splain whenever I have a question.

And I have lotsa questions.

I really want to understand the game, because it looks pretty cool. I want to be able to fully immerse myself in it and get it. I have friends who are big football fans, and sometimes we talk about it, but all too soon they lose me because I DON’T totally get it.

All I know is that when I watch it, it’s hard not to get totally caught up in it, watching these athletes perform at the highest level of their abilities. I can’t believe their size and speed and power and I can’t help but marvel at what they can make their bodies do. Watching them is amazing. I just want to know what, exactly, it is that they’re DOING!

9 down, 91 to go!

can i have a timeout now?

2010-09-08T19:54:00.001-07:00

If I had to do this over again, would I? Would I have children? I guess that’s not a fair question, because I have them and I adore them so very much, I can’t fathom NOT wanting them. It would be akin to wondering if you could, would you have been born without arms? They’re such a part of my life and my makeup as a human being that I could not possibly imagine my existence without them.

I sometimes wonder, though, what WOULD life be like without my children in it?

I can’t really wrap my head around that.

Today I was ready to wish I’d never had children. Well, one child in particular. She’s my youngest, my “baby”. Yes, she’s nine, and yes, I know… she’s not a baby. Almost double digits. Been a long while since I carted her around on my hip. However, since she’s the last one, she’s my “baby”. And today she was sorely trying my patience.

She isn’t the most even tempered child to begin with, although she’s a little love. She is, however, very stubborn and is convinced that she’s more or less right about… well, everything. Sometimes that rears its head in a most inconvenient manner, and it results in several unpleasant moments for the both of us. Because whatever she thinks, I KNOW she’s not right about everything, and last time I checked, I was still the boss of her. Apparently she went mad this morning and lost sight of that little factoid. I thought we’d have at least a few more years before she lost her mind, but apparently… it’s starting early.

Now, this kind of behavior I expect from my teenager, who doesn’t behave this way at all, and from my pre-teen, who… well. Holy crap. Some days I can’t make heads or tails of that girl. One minute she’s DEL-TOR, demon from Hades… and then two seconds later she’s Delta, light of my life, sweetest angel on earth. She can go from happy to mad to sad to glad to curious to elated to… well, you get the idea… all inside of an hour. She falls asleep by nine-thirty every nite, completely passed out, and that can only lead me to think that she’s probably going through some… changes. WHY I thought this might be a smooth transition is beyond me…

I love my son. I really, really do.

8 down, 92 to go!

things i like

2010-09-07T20:16:00.001-07:00

Here’s a few things I’m currently into. Enjoy!

Here’s a few things I really look forward to:

Looks exciting, eh?

7 down, 93 to go!

under the wire

2010-09-06T21:35:00.001-07:00

I made it! It may be midnite elsewhere, but here in California, it’s just after nine pm. My 100 days of blogging is still intact :)

This morning I woke up and started reading Mockingjay. I mean literally, I woke up and reached over to my nitestand, put on my glasses and picked up my book and started reading, picking up where I left off the nite before. That book is really… that good. The third and final book in a trilogy by Suzann Collins, the first being The Hunger Games, the second called Catching Fire. Yes, they’re for “young adults”, but don’t let that influence you! Absolutely some of the best books I have ever had the privilege of reading, I kid you not.

I had a lot to do today, so I had to read it off and on, or I would have finished it much earlier. As it stands, I finished it just a few hours ago, and because someone who reads my blog has yet to read the book, I won’t spill any of the pertinent details… I’ll just say this- OH MY GAWD!!! and CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? and *sob sob sob*; yes, there were parts (read that, multiple) parts that brought me to tears. I CRIED. ACTUAL TEARS.

And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Only that it was a seriously excellent book. And now I’m done. Talking. About the book…

SO! Tonite is my eldest Bonus Son Stephen’s last nite at home. At least it should be. This is… take three, I think, of Operation Boot Stephen From the Nest. We’re cautiously optimistic that his time it will actually happen.

I’m totally making this sound like it’s his fault, and it’s really not. See, a few years ago Stephen exercised his adult privileges and became a reservist in the Marine Corp. He went to boot camp, went to his MOS school in Georgia, then came home with some notion of getting a job… going to college… only… it didn’t quite work out like that! Well, it did, buuuuut… see, he kinda screwed the pooch a little. I mean, he got a job, was working full time at WalNut, decided after several months that it wasn’t for him and before he made sure he had another job, quit. Enter Life Lesson here; never jump ship if you don’t have a place to land! So he moved up north with some friends and tried really, really hard to get a job. He registered for college but sat too long on the whole getting financial aid part, couldn’t find a job, and had to move back in with us since he couldn’t do that whole rent thing. Enter Another Life Lesson here; he who procrastinates gets financial aid not!

In all fairness, he was eighteen, nineteen when all of this went down; not exactly the most savvy, life experienced human being walking around. Super smart, but not real worldly, if you know what I mean.

He couch-crashed with us, then decided that he wanted to go active in the Marine Corp. Only, they said “NO! We like you just fine as a reservist.” So HE said, “Oh yeah? Well, screw that!” and went next door to the Army recruiter and said “Sign me up, please!” and they said “Oh hell to the yeah we will!”.

All he had to do was file some paperwork to have him transferred from Marine to Army… get some bigwig to approve it… do a little of this and a little of that… presto magico, you’re in the Army now!

Yeah…. didn’t exactly work out like that.

Long story short (too late, I know), one year later Stephen, after two false approvals, is still couch-crashing. However, THIS TIME they SWEARS they have the right forms filed, and signed by the right people, and all the i’s are crossed and the t’s are dotted and sometime in the morning, our bonny boy Stephen will be in the wind!

We’ll see. That’s what I say. We. Shall. See.

Anyway, this is the third “fare thee well” dinner we’ve had, and I have to say, it went off without a hitch. We had turkey meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuits, peas, and a delicious cherry pie. We also had guests for dinner (we didn’t eat them; just fed them). Neya and Richard, both of whom I hold in high esteem. It was nice just hanging out and conversing, although there were moments when my spawn got a little louder than necessary, and needed a firm reminder to, you know, BEHAVE like HUMANS WITH HOME TRAINING.

Now I’m going to go to bed. I haz a tired. Later, doods :)

6 down, 94 to go!

on my nitestand

2010-09-05T13:10:00.001-07:00

*disclaimer- I know how to spell “night”. I just choooooose to spell it "nite”

I may or may not have mentioned before that I am an avid book junkie. I read a lot. More than most people I know. The problem with this is that I tend to have more books in the “to-read” pile than I can be expected to read in a reasonable amount of time. There’s something wrong with me. I keep buying books, or borrowing books, or winning books, or books somehow find their way to me. No kidding, I have come out to my car to find a book sitting on my hood, and no one around to claim ownership of it. What am I supposed to do, leave it there?

Right now I have a ton of books next to my bed. See, look:

I took that picture today. And this doesn’t show the large basket next to my bed with even more books. Now, some of those books really should go in the basket, since those are for the books I’ve already read but want to read again, but the majority of those books on the nitestand are books I have yet to read. I just need to actually read them.

And today I went and bought another one. Cause I have a serious problem. I think I need help. I just don’t WANT it!

5 down, 95 to go!

a narrow escape

2010-09-04T18:57:00.001-07:00

The other nite, my husband was having a fairly bad allergy attack. It was late, around 11:30. I woke up because I could hear him coughing and wheezing, and I asked him if he was alright. He said yes, he was. Twenty minutes later, it got worse. I asked if he wanted to go outside. At first he said no, but after a few more minutes of obvious discomfort and misery, he said that yeah, probably he should go outside for awhile. The fresh air would do his allergies good.

I grabbed my robe and threw it over my pj’s and shoved my feet into flip-flops. The Man actually got dressed. He told me to stay inside, but I informed him that I would be joining him. No way he was going to have to sit outside by himself; it’s kinda my fault that his allergies are acting up. He’s allergic to my little poochy love Chiquita, and the only reason he tolerates her is because I love her so much.

So we head outside, and it was a beautiful, clear nite. Stars were out, it was truly lovely. We sat on the porch and talked for awhile. Talked about things many and varied. It was soothing and quiet, and his allergies slowly got better. His breathing eased, he quit coughing, and he seemed a lot more comfortable.

While we don’t exactly live in the wilds, there are animals that go roaming around our ‘hood in the nite. Mostly, cats and dogs, but we get the occasional wild beastie. Mice, raccoons, even coyotes. Anyway, there was a cat that kept wandering around, unafraid of us as it kept coming into our driveway. I heard it moving around behind us, over by the shed. I asked The Man if he wanted to go inside, and he said in a few minutes he would be ready. A few seconds later, I heard the cat come up the stairs behind me. Our back porch has two sets of stairs on opposite ends, with a landing about four feet across, separating them. I mentioned to The Man that the cat was behind me, and turned to look at it.

A few seconds of squinting in the dark, I said in a low, low voice, “Um. I don’t think that’s a cat.”

He says, “What is it?”

I reply, “I really don’t know, but I don’t think it’s a cat…”

He asks, “Is it a skunk?”

I ask, “Do skunks have white butts?”

He says, “….. I think we should very slowly go inside the house….”

I reply with, “I totally, totally agree….”

People, that was a close one!

4 down, 96 to go!

recharge my batteries

2010-09-03T13:26:00.001-07:00

I would really love a vacation. The kind where you go someplace NOT here, where there’s not pressing matters to attend, no homework, no phones, no computer (wait, now I’m just talkin’ the crazy, scratch that no computer part)… where I can sleep as late as I want, stay up all nite if I want, eat whatever I want, read for hours if I want. Someplace quiet and beautiful where there isn’t any traffic, no one is late because there isn’t a schedule, I don’t have to mediate between offspring or make dinner or do dishes; where I can walk from my front door to the water, I can wear a bathing suit and cut-offs at a restaurant, it’s balmy and warm but not hot, it smells good, it sounds nice… and I can recharge.

Oh, and it’s cheap, too, since we’re fantasizing. And there’s a very large Barne & Noble within walking distance, too.

Yup, sounds about right.

Not like I have this overly stressful life or anything; more or less, just the typical day to day stuff. Once I get the kidlets off to school and The Man off to work, my days are mostly my own. In truth, I feel like I’m rather wasteful of them. I feel like I’m not living them to their potential. I could be doing so many things to improve my environment, my talents, my mind. I could be baking bread, crocheting afghans, writing my book, reading that stack of books sitting next to my bed both on my nitestand and in a basket, going through the mounds of stuff in my children’s closets… and yet, here I sit, happily typing away, whiling away, wasting (?) away…

Why is it that I have to constantly be doing something in order to feel productive? What is it about me as a person that feels like unless my house is completely clean, my books are all read, my closets all organized, I’m somehow an epic failure? Because the truth is, none of those things are happening. My house is in a constant state of clutter/mess. My closets are scary. My books are mostly unread. Things are not getting baked, afghans are not getting crocheted, my book is not getting written. If I really feel that unless I’m doing things like I mentioned above, then I’m failing at life in general? And if I really feel that way, why am I not doing these things?

That has ever been the big question of my life. I am constantly waiting to feel like doing something besides doing nothing. I am constantly waiting to find the motivation to move.

Wait, wait… what did I just say???? I’m waiting to get the motivation to MOVE? Really? REALLY? I really just said that.

Holy crap. What is WRONG with me?

3 down 97 to go!

i’d be a stalker, but it takes too much energy

2010-09-02T11:11:00.001-07:00

I blame the shoes.

There was this lady walking down the street in these absolutely KILLER shoes (for those of you not in the know, I loooove me some shoes). Anyway, I watched her make her way across the street, admiring her shoes, and I had to wonder where she got them, if she had more like them, and what she was like. Would we be friends, in another time and place, bonding over a mutual love of shoes? Or was she one of those that wore them because she had to, for work, not because she wanted to? Did she like coffee? Books? Going out? Was she married? Kids? What kind of shows did she like? Did she even like TV? How about movies? Music? Did she own a car, and hate to drive, like me? Or was she a driver who hated her car?

Yeah, all these thoughts whirled through my head as she crossed the cross walk right in front of my car. I felt like parking and getting out and following her, but that clearly wasn’t a very feasible thing, not to mention… crazy. And I was kinda tired from the past few nites of not sleeping very well. Not that I’d have done it even if I’d been bright eyed and bushy-tailed; do you know how much it costs to park in downtown San Diego?? And then there’s all the walking… and making sure she doesn’t see me because then it would totally freak her out, thus negating the entire “let’s get to know each other” thing.

Entirely too much work. I don’t even like to sweep and mop my house, and that requires a lot less energy than stalking some random person who I don’t even know, probably never will, and might not even like even if I did know her. Much easier to stalk your friends. At least then you can pretend you thought you were supposed to hang out if they catch you, and you already know a lot about them so you know going in if they’re stalk-worthy or not from the get-go. Plus, they would have a lot more tolerance for your kooky ways than some random lady on the street would, and you can play the “quirky friend” card for a long, long time. As long as you don’t get too flaky, and stalk them when you’re really supposed to be hanging out, or hanging out when it’s clearly stalking time. That can totally put a damper on the whole friendship/stalker thing.

Not that I have personal experience with this or anything…

2 down, 98 to go!

100 days of blogging, redux

2010-09-01T11:44:00.001-07:00

Soooo a few blog entries ago I made some crazy commitment to blog for 100 days in a row. I think I did it for, like, three days and then my monitor died and it was bloggus interruptus. Then we got a new monitor, and instead of rushing straight to the computer to explain… I kinda procrastinated (SHOCKING, I know) and before I knew it… two months and some change went by. Kinda lame sauce of me, but that’s what happened.

I still want to do it, though. I think I NEED to do it.

I really need to do something to get back into writing, even if all that something is is writing on a blog that nobody really reads. I like writing, and I think I’m decent at it, but I can FEEL my skills atrophying the more I neglect it. I can FEEL myself losing that skill that I once worked so hard to hone and develop. It’s not like I have so many skills that I excel at that I can let one slip by the wayside, know what I mean?

So here I am, trying again.

Consider this blog one, day one.

1 down, 99 to go!

so, i suck

2010-08-31T15:05:00.001-07:00

I can’t believe that I haven’t blogged since June. I don’t really know what to think about that. I guess that I just haven’t had anything to say. Or rather, like so many things in my life, I mean well… but….

I want to do this thing, I’m just not sure what my motives are. I like to write. I’ve just gotten really lazy about it. Of course I want readers, and that’s a small part of why I write online, but I really just like to write. I’m not sure what to write about. I don’t currently lead the most interesting of lives. I like my life, but how much of that do other people really want to read? There are some things that I would like to share, but can’t, for personal reasons.

I’m making this too complicated.

The whole writing thing- like I said, I’ve gotten really lazy about it. I decided a little over a week ago that every nite before I turned off the light, I would jot down a page or two in my journal. So far, so good. It’s nothing too serious, mostly about what we did that day, and I hope to start getting more into depth about what I feel and think, but because I’m so out of practice with putting pen to paper… well. Use it or lose it.

The children are all back in school, and so far, so good. This is Week Two, Day Two of the new year. Alpha is in seventh, Beta is in sixth, Cappa fifth, and Delta is in fourth. Alpha and Beta are in the same school and Cappa and Delta are still together; weird that next year, Delta will be on her own. Where did the time go? Seems like just a few months ago that I was welcoming the final addition of my crew into the world, this crazy haired baby that didn’t like anyone, not even me. And now she’s this whole entire person, growing up faster than I can blink.

Everything changes. Rarely does anything stay the same.

This year, I want to make some personal improvements in my life. First, the writing thing. That’s the whole journal and blogging and what-not… plus I’ve been kicking around this idea for a story, and I’m hoping that actually goes somewhere. Second, I want to get my house back under control. Over the summer I really, really let things go. It’s a cluttered mess most of the time. I finally got my bedroom in order, and now it actually LOOKS like a bedroom should. Just don’t open the closet… Third, I want to exercise. Yes, I would like to lose weight, and yes, I would still like to be a runner, but (go with me on the *but*) in my current, procrastination mind-set, those things are not really… happening. My plan is to start small… very, very small. Right now I’m taking my dog for a walk twice a day. The walks aren’t long, but they’re better than not walking. The next step (later in September) is getting my gym membership back on track and actually making that a priority. Baby steps… baby steps… Fourth, and this is kinda personal, I would really like to have more sex. With that guy I married. I mean, we have sex, but it’s not as… frequent… as I would like. That, and it feels more routine. Ok, on week nites, we have to get up early, we have thin walls… no swinging from the rafters, I totally understand why quality is down. But on weekends, or when he doesn’t have to work the next day? Hel-LO, opportunity! I just need to… instigate. And fifth, I would… well. Shit. I totally forgot what the fifth thing was. I kinda got stuck on four…

I’m sure it’ll come back to me.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we got a dog. A little darling thing of furry love, a Chihuahua named Chiquita. She’s something of a “rescue”. See, my next door neighbor became too elderly to care for her anymore, and he very graciously let us take her. She is SUCH a little biscuit- sooo adorable. I am totally head over heels for this little doggy :) Here, look, you can see for yourself WHY-

Is that not the cutest little poochy face ever? Ok, I know I’m, like, completely biased here, but CAN YOU BLAME ME??

Well, looky there, at the time. I actually have to go and pick up the elder girls from their place of learning. And here I thought that this would only take a few minutes…

Later, gators.

bad, bad jenna

2010-06-15T18:22:00.001-07:00

I decided that this would be the year that I would refrain from purchasing so many books. See, I’m a reader. An avid, addicted reader of books. I love them. I love to buy them. I have several hundred; a little library of my very own. I decided that this year, I would read more of the books I already own, and only buy books from my favorite authors or series I’m reading.

Yeah, I shoulda known that wouldn’t really happen. My darling husband was highly (rightly) skeptical of this plan when I initially informed him of it, and in truth, so was I. What can I say? I’m a book junkie!

Anyway, I finally found that which would make not buying new books easier; the library. Now, before you ask me why I wasn’t already using the library, let me tell you that it’s for no good reason, CERTAINLY not because I ~~have~~ had overdue books (5 years overdue) and couldn’t get a library card prior to this… nope, not that, not at all, so just keep walkin’, ok? Suffice to say, I didn’t have ~~access to~~ a card, until recently. And that’s all there is to it.

So, I started going to the library. And oh me oh my, it’s like releasing a kid in a candy store. It’s like, all these books, no limit on how many I can check out, for FREE? Downside, I have to bring them back (and I WILL, don’t look at me like that!). Upside? It’s FREE BOOKS, man. FREE. BOOKS. FOR FREE.

Um, awesome!!!

And before you get all ‘geez, Jenna, relax, it’s just the library’, let me just hold up my hand (palm out) and tell you, I know, I know it’s just the library… but they’re FREE BOOKS. ALL I CAN READ. Anyone who is an avid, addicted book junkie can totally relate right now to what I’m saying. Pick up what I’m puttin’ down.

Weeeell, it seemed that this library thing was really going to be the cure to my madness. Really seemed like it was that which would appease my addiction. And it started out great. Like really great. One of the best parts is that if I check out a book and I don’t like it, I don’t feel obligated to finish it because I didn’t pay any money for it so I just take it back. That right there is some kind of awesome. I admit that initially I got, like, totally carried away and checked out something like 20 books. And hel-LO, I’m not gonna finish 20 books in 3 weeks! I’m a fast reader, but even I can’t do that! So I scaled it back some and pared them down and now I have, like, 4.

Weeeell… then one of my favorite authors came out with a new book, a much awaited and totally anticipated new book in a series that I’m reading. Fair enough… I said that I would only buy books in a series or favorite author, right? Right. And at the same time, another book was released, and it looked so good, I just HAD to have it… and then, there’s this other series that I have been wanting to read… so in the span of two days I bought three brand new books. Only one met my criteria. And then today? Yeah. Bought another one (but to be fair, it was a really good deal AND it is part of a series that I’m reading so it totally counts!). But don’t tell my husband, he’ll totally not yell at me but he’ll give me that look, that “JENNIFER!” look, know what I mean?

It’s not lying if I just don’t say anything… right?

right?

Shut up!

100 days of blogging, 98 to go!

100 days of blogging

2010-06-14T09:44:00.001-07:00

In case you haven’t noticed, I kinda suck at this blogging thing. Not so much the writing part, but the part where I actually… write. Regularly. So I’ve decided that as of today, I am going to blog for 100 days straight. Barring catastrophe. We’ll see how this goes.

I think I need some kind of consequence if I fail, though. Like… I can’t buy a new book for a month! Do you realize how much that would suck, especially if the month in question is a month where one of my authors comes out with something new and awesome? Yeah, that would suck. I think that’s going to be my consequence, but I’m open to suggestions.

As to a reward, well, the reward will be the writing. I actually like to write, quite a bit. I just get lazy about it. It’s not that I think I’m letting anyone down if I don’t write, given how many millions of blogs there are out there, but this is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. So quit sucking at it, Jenna, and just… do it!

100 days of blogging. Day one, down. 99 to go!

ooo life and stuff

2010-05-11T11:44:00.001-07:00

Would you believe that to a certain extent, I had forgotten all about my blog? Wait, let me clarify… I hadn’t TOTALLY forgotten it… just mostly. Why, you might ask. How could I forget about my very own blog? What could I possibly be doing that would be more interesting than writing about myself?

Ooo I sound so self-centered.

Ah, well.

Anyway, enough about that, more about me.

*snicker*

Yeah, yeah, I’m being obnoxious. This actually stems more from avoiding admitting that really, I haven’t been doing a whole lot, and thus have no excuses as to why I’d kinda sorta forgot about my blog. Avoiding admitting that really, aside from my family and what I do here, I… have no life.

I mean, I have interests… I like to read. And scrapbook. And bake. I like to sleep. And watch shows that I’ve DVRed or requested via Netflix. I like to shop, and I like to waste countless hours online. And I have a pretty productive farm on Farmville… but aside from all of that… yeah. No life.

And weirdly, I don’t really mind. I spent a lot of my life doing things I didn’t want to do out of duty and obligation and sometimes, a weird sense of “because I’m supposed to”. And then I would feel super guilty and immature for wanting to spend three hours gaming on the XBox or curling up on the couch and reading a book in a day. I mean, grown-up type people aren’t supposed to want to do those things, right? We’re supposed to be productive members of society, and volunteer and eat healthy and watch documentaries and read important, informative stuff. And maybe for some people that’s, like, really cool and fun for them. But for me, meh. Not so much.

I figure that as long as I get my housework done, so that it doesn’t look to awfulbad here, then I can wile the day away reading a novel that is little more than book candy. Or watch three hours of a show that I’ve DVRed. Or whatever.

The only thing is, it doesn’t make for very good blogging.

Hm.

i didn’t go anywhere today

2010-04-27T20:21:00.001-07:00

It was one of those weird days where I had nowhere to go and nothing to do. I had a load of laundry to wash and dry, but my house is pretty neat and tidy and I really didn’t have anything pressing. No errands to run. Nothing of import that HAD to get done today.

It should have been nice… relaxing… but it was a little disconcerting.

I’ve been having a lot of success in keeping a tidy home. Before, it was pretty cluttered. I didn’t have any organization or any real idea of how to keep it clean. I finally figured it out, and for the past month, I’ve been keeping it up. Yes, there are things that need doing, but there are mitigating factors (read: I need my husband’s aid and thus far he has been unavailable to aid me) before I can get to the next phase of Operation Clean House. I look forward to the next part, because then I really WILL be where I want to be, and all I’ll have to do is upkeep.

And that, friends, is very, very odd to me.

It has never happened where I’ve looked around my home and couldn’t immediately see something that could be done, should be done, has to be done, now now now. It’s all just upkeep right now. No muss, no fuss. And furthermore, there was no guilt.

I didn’t feel overwhelmed by the mess, because there ISN’T any mess.

I didn’t feel depressed about the state of my house because my house is looking pretty decent.

I didn’t feel anxious over the clutter because the clutter has been eliminated.

And that, people, is a good day!

monday, it comes but once a week

2010-04-26T20:10:00.001-07:00

Ever have those moments when your normal, rational self disappears and this screaming meemy maniac makes an appearance? Yeah? Well, that NEVER happens to me. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not ever.

Now, if it DID, and were I to become a screaming meemy maniac, it most certainly wouldn’t happen while I’m on the toilet, doing toilet-type things (read: unable to immediately get up) and outside, in the hallway, my children are being such little heathens that the walls are shaking and things on my dresser are toppling over. One kid told the other kid to go into the hallway and then shut the door on them. Kid One decides to go back in, but Kid Two leans against the door to prevent that. So Kid One proceeds to try and beat the door down, with much enthusiasm and probably a battering ram, and all the while, I’m yelling (from my seat) to KNOCK IT OFF and WHAT ARE YOU DOING and finally, screaming, KID ONE!!!! STOP IT NOW!!!! and all the while, my husband is in the living room, watching a show, and apparently can’t hear the commotion just down the hall because the louder they get, the higher he turns up the volume… (which, I have to say, is not the norm for this guy… usually he’s all over their infractions like white on rice- I think that he was just really into his show).

Of course, this is all hypothetical and supposition. Because I am the epitome of poise and calm, feathers never ruffled and every hair in place, all rational and…. you’re not buying this, are you. Yeah. Didn’t think so.

Well… at least it’s not Monday tomorrow. I think Monday makes everyone around here a little wacky-bo-bo.

Later, doods :)

what’s what

2010-04-25T19:30:00.001-07:00

I’ve been busy. I know I just started this bloggy blog and that if I want to attract readers and keep them, I have to write consistently. That being said, sometimes life gets in the way of even the best of intentions. And then sometimes you (general you) start your period a little over a week early and hormones get the best of you and then you just really don’t want to do anything, least of all blog about your life, but I’m only speaking hypothetically here. As per usual.

So my son turned 10. Weird to think that ten years ago yesterday, Turkey Lips entered the world in a rush of blood, not breathing, and very purple and all I could think about was how high up in the building I was. I think I’d lost a little too much blood, honestly, because I only held him for a few minutes before they took him from me and put him under the warming lights; he was much, much too cold, they said, and I remember nodding like I knew what that meant and wondering if the baby had been born yet.

Yeah, it was a little confusing for me.

I was thrilled to have him, though, and I fell in absolute and complete love with his little self a few hours later when both he and I had recovered enough to be properly introduced. That first nite, I held him against me for hours, listening to him breathe. He used to make this little mewling, snoring sound when he slept. And he loooooooved to be cuddled, loved it more than anything. He was so snuggly, unlike my first two babies, his older sisters, who enjoyed being snuggled but didn’t loooooooooove it the way he did. He loved it so much that the first four months I wasn’t allowed to put him down without him really telling me, loudly, all about it. After four months, he was a little more patient with me when I had to do things like pee, or use both hands to make something for his sisters to eat, or even, rarely, shower. But I only got a few minutes before he begin to protest not being cuddled, again, loudly.

He all too quickly turned into a toddler, and he was about one of the sweetest little guys ever. That didn’t mean that he didn’t think it was most awesome to get into everything (and I mean, EVERYTHING) as soon as he became upright. And it only got worse when he figured out how to operate high-tech things like the toilet handle, and doorknobs, and pushing things over to stand on them so as to better climb over the baby gates. Yeah, that was some good times, that was!

However, he was so unbelievable adorable, with those big blue eyes and those round chubby baby boy cheeks that were invented, I swear, to melt my heart and save him from impending doom from his destructive days of toddler-hood. He had the sweetest little smile, with those baby teeth, like little pearls… oh! Straight to the heart, I tell ya!

As he got older, he discovered cars, and soon became consumed with all things Hot Wheels. For a few years, if it had wheels, he wanted it. And because he had those big blue eyes and those cheeks and that smile… yeah, sucker that I am for such things, he usually got it.

As he grew, he still loved being cuddled and smooched and was happy just to be in my vicinity, playing with his sisters or with his cars. He loved, and still does, to help me with chores. He is inquisitive and full of questions and theories and wants to know all about pretty much everything. He still likes to hang out with me, but doesn’t want to be smooched as much anymore, but still likes the cuddling. He compliments my cooking and says thank you for doing housework and appreciates the simple things that come his way. He likes school and his friends and is a fantastic brother to his sisters; one day, he’s going to make a fantastic partner for some very lucky woman.

I love this kid with everything I’ve got, and then some, and the past ten years have been both a blur and a joy, and, sadly, passed by all too soon. He is My Guy, and I count everyday that I get to share with him as a part of it a good one :)

ramming speed!

2010-04-16T17:24:00.001-07:00

Sadly, the name of my current entry is very apt. Today I managed to knock myself a good one on the head whilst talking to my husband and putting some things in the car at the same time. I wasn’t paying attention to where my head was in relation to the car door, and about knocked myself silly because of my lack of observation skills. Did it hurt? Oh, hell yeah it did. Still hurts, from my forehead down into my neck. Good one, right?

Despite that, today was actually a pretty good one. I got to spend the day with that guy I married, always a plus. He had to take the day off because he had a doctor appointment (thumbs up in the health department; all is well) and since his appointment only took about forty minutes, we had pretty much the whole day together. We breakfasted at our favorite place; I got the strawberry French toast, eggs, and bacon (YUM). We weren’t in a hurry so we were able to linger and really enjoy it, and each other. Then we went to the newly opened Khol’s to check it out; I totally love that place. I might just start making the drive to the new one rather than the one that’s geographically convenient to me because it really is that cool. All shiny and new. After that we went to purchase my son’s birthday presents at one of those big stores where such things are purchased :) He’s turning ten in a week and a day (I have very mixed emotions on this; my baby boy is going to be TEN!) and I’m very excited about what we’re getting him. He’s getting this-

And this-

(this is really for me, but don’t tell!!)

And of course, this-

(which is, rumor has it, what I should have been wearing today, apparently)

And last but not least, this-

He’s getting some other things from some other people, but I’m not sure what, exactly.

After all that shopping, we went decided that it was time to upgrade my husband’s phone- he still has the original one he got for free with our original contract. Yeah, it was time to let go and move on. And we wanted to look into getting my thirteen year old daughter a phone, too. She’s a great kid, super responsible, an excellent student (straight A’s this last time around!!) and works hard at whatever she’s asked to do. She’s been asking for a phone for awhile, so we decided to go ahead and add her to our plan. So, today we got her a phone.

I have to say, I didn’t expect to feel the way I did about it. While I knew that she would be thrilled to her toes with it, and was thrilled to my toes to give it to her… I still couldn’t help but get a little teary at how grown-up she’s getting. She was all kid when we gave it to her, and has been playing with it non-stop since we got home, but the main reason that we got it for her was so that we could be in touch with her wherever she was. Which means that yes, I have a daughter who goes places that I don’t, does things that I’m not there to oversee, and while she’s still very limited in where she can go and what she can do… she’s still not a little girl anymore, holding my hand while we tromp across the parking lot; she’s as tall as I am now, with her own sense of self.

*sigh* Who knew that getting her a phone would have such significance? Everyday it seems that I find out something else I didn’t know about being a parent.

Alright, well, that’s pretty much my day, so far. Now I have some stuff to get done before we settle in for dinner (which I have no idea what it’s going to be) and start movie nite (we do this every Friday). Tonite we’re watching Ponyo :)

Later, doods!

i’m like that commercial

2010-04-14T10:11:00.001-07:00

It was on a few years ago, and I’ve looked for it via YouTube but no luck- I can’t find it. Anyway, in this commercial, the mom is totally rocking out to her old school music while she’s cleaning, and her ultra-cool goth daughter just stares at her- remember that one? Yeah, that was totally me yesterday. I spent the day rocking out to my nineties music (Pearl Jam, Cher, Billy Idol, B52’s and others) while I cleaned my house. Which is why I didn’t blog all day. I was busy cleaning.

Let me tell you about my house. It’s not dirty, like, DIRTY, but it’s cluttered. There are seven people who live here, and it’s not a large space, and seven people generate a lot of ~~crap~~ stuff. And both my husband and I are avid readers, which translates to me being a book collector, and we easily have a thousand books in this house. Not to mention that my offspring are all aspiring artists, love crafts, toys, and they’re all readers as well, AND they’ve all inherited my “must hang onto this lest I might need it someday in the future” gene… so yeah. We have a lot of crap. Stuff. We have a lot of STUFF.

On top of that, my mom, bless her, was not the best housekeeper herself and frankly, I really didn’t “get” how to keep a tidy house. Clean, yes… but tidy? Yeah, not so much. So I haven’t had the very best example of HOW. Until recently.

I got to spend a week with my best friend Shanna, who lives in Texas, and describes herself as a “lazy perfectionist”. Ok, people, let me be the first to tell you that this woman is NOT in the slightest stretch of the word ,“lazy”. And perfectionist? Not so much. She likes things neat and tidy, abhors clutter, and has found a way to have her house the way she likes it, but she doesn’t smack me as a perfectionist so much as someone who runs her household like a well-oiled machine. In other words, she has a system, and the system actually works. Wanna know what it is?

It’s maintenance, to put it simply. It’s getting rid of stuff, cleaning, and maintaining it. So the initial work is hard- I did my whole kitchen, cleaning and organizing everything, from the fridge to cupboards to the drawers. Since I did it, though, my kitchen has been lovely. It’s clean all the time. And clean up after making meals is a snap. A snap, I tell you!

So after the Great Kitchen Experiment was met with such success, I moved onto the rest of my house. Yesterday I did my living room and dining area. Took me two and a half hours of hard, busting my ass work, but I was moving furniture and all kinds of craziness was happening there. Not to mention that I was gettin’ down while I was gettin’ clean. I mean, we’re talking about full on dancing with my mop and everything. It’s seriously the only time in my life that I’ve cleaned and had a great time doing it.

No, really, I had a really good time cleaning. Maybe that’s the key…? Instead of hating it, I should find ways to do it so that I’m having fun…? Just, you know, don’t tell my kids. Because if they knew that I was having a good time, that would totally kill my “I work so hard because I love you, not because I love cleaning” thing I’m currently milking. I get so mileage out of that, lemme tell ya. So mums the word on that one, m’kay?

Let’s see how the rest of this week goes, see how well I keep it up. Results later!

See ya!

introducing…. me!

2010-04-12T11:34:00.001-07:00

In my first blog entry, I didn’t really introduce myself. I think this was in part due to the fact that I was getting ready to do some serious damage to some delicious ice cream, and also because it was my first blog entry and I was (not) a nervous wreck. So allow me to remedy that little faux pas, and tell just exactly who I am and what I stand for.

Wait.

That might take awhile.

And, we don’t really know each other all that well yet, so I suppose I’ll start easy and give you all the surface details before I get too comfy and share all of the nitty and the gritty. I mean, you don’t just go around telling people upon your first meeting that you sometimes (more than sometimes) have entire conversations with yourself, out loud, when you’re alone, right? Or that you really are a wretched housekeeper and that when company is coming over, you just throw all the crap into your closet and REALLY hope they don’t need to borrow a pair of shoes. No, in polite society, we start small and work our way up. So here goes-

*For the record, I’m not crazy. Not everyone who talks to themselves is crazy. I prefer terms like “creative”… “innovative”… and “entertaining”.

My name is Jenna. I’m currently 33 years old, although that is subject to change. I’m married to this guy, and have been for 6-going-on-7 years. I have four children, and two bonus sons, and they range in ages from 21 to 8. Now here’s the tricky part; do I use their actual real names, or do I make up some names? In this day and age, you can never be too careful, I think, but then again… what are the odds of someone intent on doing harm ACTUALLY finding me and ACTUALLY doing harm because I used the real names of my children? I’m not sure where I stand on this right now, I’m open to suggestions, what’s your opinion? Real names, or fake names? Until then, I just won’t call them anything. I’ll just pretend I don’t have a spouse and children, and that I’m a free-swingin’ single, with no cares or worries except myself. Except for the swinging part, because I hear you have part of a duo for that to actually work. Although, looking around me now, if I were really single, why the hell do I have so much crap, and who is that 21 year old crashed out on my couch?

And where the hell did all these stretch marks come from?

Now that I have made myself a proper introduction, I hope that clears up any confusion as to who I am. I know it did for me!

Thank you and good day.

a serious matter, this is

2010-04-11T14:54:00.001-07:00

The first blog post on a new blog. It has to strike the right tone, carry the right nuances, draw the new reader in and interest them enough to make them want to keep reading. It also speaks for what kind of writer you are, what you’re interested in, what your blog might portray. Is this a blogger who writes about current events? A historian? A traveler? Another mommy blogger in a slew of mommy bloggers? Is she stable, depraved, disjointed, interesting, comprehensive….? But mostly, does she have anything worthy of reading to say?

That’s a lot pressure, no? It’s almost enough to make me tremble in my red and black striped fuzzy socks.

However, as we sometimes must do in this wild and oft times unpredictable world, I tarry on, and choose my topic with care and consideration to you, reader, whoever you might be.

So. After giving it much thought and deliberation, the thing that is most prevalent in my mind at this moment is this-

Yes, a spoon. Not that spoon, exactly, but a spoon. I actually don’t own THAT spoon (I got the image for it here), but I own a spoon much like it, and pretty soon, as soon as I get done doing this (and other things), I plan on putting that spoon to good use.

What is that, you might ask? Well, in case you couldn’t tell by the label, it’s quite possibly the best ice cream that Ben and Jerry have in their considerable arsenal of ice cream. And I just happen to have some in my freezer. Waiting for me to claim it, and ravage it as only ice cream can be ravaged.

So, given that, can you blame me for not being too prolific and blogger savvy on this, my first blog entry? I hope so.

Later :)