in the land of my kids

 August has suddenly decided that it makes her "uncomfortable" for Paul to get up on her bed (they have a bunk bed, August has the top). This is a new development. And it makes her "uncomfortable" for Paul to play with any of "her" toys. They kinda have all the SAME toys, but somewhere along the way, they've been divided into Paul's toys and August's toys. There's a trading system in place, but I don't pretend to understand it. Anyway, all of this was revealed to Paul yesterday. Today, she wants to play with Paul's 3DS. Paul, who is usually pretty laid back, denies her request. August pouts, whines, gets mad, to no avail. I ask Paul why he won't let her, and he tells me about August's new-found aversion to letting him play with "her" stuff, or be on "her" bed, so HE doesn't particularly feel like sharing with HER. Fair enough.

August looks at Paul and says in this I'm-speaking-to-an-irrational-person voice "Paul. That was YESTERDAY. It's IN THE PAST. Why do you have to bring up stuff that ALREADY HAPPENED?" because, you know. IT WAS SO LONG AGO.

I told August that she was just gonna have to deal with it. She gave me A Look, sighed, and now I'm included in the too-irrational-for-words list.

Considering the company, that’s a good thing

has anyone seen my motivation?

Cause I can’t find it.

I’m kinda just rambling about these days, not really doing much of anything that needs doing. I mean, granted, me and Joe have had the sick, so that was a lot of me laying on the couch for a few days.

There are so many things I *want* to do. Like, crochet. I love to crochet. Yes, my inner old lady is showing. But seriously, crocheting is good times. It’s relaxing. I like making stuffs. Mostly, I like finishing stuffs. And yet, although I really want to crochet, day in and day out, I just… don’t.

I want to write more. Every day I think how this or that or other would make good blogger fodder but then I ignore the impulse and go play Castleville on Facebook instead. Cause, you know, THAT’S productive. Mindless cartoon kingdom vs. writing things down… hmmm... gee. SHOULD BE a no-brainer and yet, I continue to waste so. much. time. on Facebook. Don’t get me wrong, there are SOME productive things I do there, like connect with my various real-life friends that live around the country. However, that shouldn’t take the bulk of my free time, I just find myself spending too much time than I should be.

I want to read more. I love reading. It’s been my favorite thing to do for most of my life. And yet, I just… don’t read. I mean, I AM reading, just not like I usually do. Again, my time is being sucked into the computer. What is it about the freaking interwebs that’s SO addicting?

I need to exercise. I’m overweight! This isn’t healthy. This isn’t good for me. I want to lose some of this weight, and be healthier, and yet… blah blah blah. I don’t do it.

It’s like my motivation is on hiatus. Where did it go? Have you seen it?

yeah, hi, I shouldn’t be here

I should be cleaning my room. Cause it’s, like, a major disaster. It usually isn’t the tidiest of places because it’s full of stuff that doesn’t really have a home, but usually I can cram it all in the closet and call it good. However… since before Xmas… yeah.

So I need to get in there and get it together. And clean my bathroom, too. I said to Self “Self, you need to clean this room. And this bathroom. Until then, NO SIMS FOR YOU!” and I meant it. I haven’t been on Sims once since I got up, and I reeeeeally want to play Sims.

However, I did not say one thing about not getting on the internets. So technically I’m not disobeying my Self because I’m not Simming, just… doing really important things here. For scientific research. And it’s top secret, so you can understand why I don’t say exactly what it is I’m talking about. Not that I could tell you even if I knew, because I don’t usually know. What I’m talking about, I mean.

Which sounds like a problem, but let me assure, it really isn’t. At least, not usually.

Next week we start back up the homeschooling and I feel really mixed about it. I want to do it because these days of just being lazy are cool, but pointless. I want to get back into the routine. The kids NEED the routine. Things get weird with them if they don’t have routine. Well, wierder than usual. If that’s even possible.

I need to find some type of outside stuff to do with these guys because it’s getting lonesome, just us doing it. The problem with that is that I’m SUCH a homebody and I hate putting myself outside of my comfort zone. But these guys need more than just me, and the socialization that comes from being with other kids. Although it’s not something I’m really super excited to go out and do, I look forward to it at the same time because it’s something new and different.

Right now…? my little doggie is trying to get my attention. She wants me to give her pets. So, I will go and do that

as much as it pains me…

I seriously need to commit to this blogging, or let it go.

I know, I know, I’ve said this in the past and meant it… and then flaked out like a giant flake. The thing is, I don’t know how to make myself do this. I WANT to do this, but I don’t know how to make myself.

I’ll figure it out.

So here is the down-low on what’s been what around here. First, we made it through Xmas. I was kinda freaking about how I was going to pay for it, but as it turned out, we got it figured out. And boy oh boy did we make it a good one! I had a fabulous time shopping for everyone, and the best part? Stephen got to come home for the holiday! He was here for two weeks. It was awesome.

The Night Before, I stayed up and, as per usual, drank drinky drinks and wrapped presents. The Man helped, and the work got done pretty quickly. Managed to get it done by 12:30 am, and that, friends, is a record for me. Usually I’m up til 2 or even 3, not that I mind, but getting more than a few hours of sleep on the Night Before is pretty awesome.

Anyway, the kidlets were all up before The Man and I were, even Mary, who at fifteen, could sleep the day away if I let her. The Man woke me up at about 6:20 saying that the kids were all up, and trying to be quiet, but it might be fun if we went ahead and let them have at it. I managed to negotiate making coffee before we released them, and it was on.

Everyone really enjoyed their presents. I have to say, I did a beautiful job this year wrapping. It never ceases to crack me up how long it takes to wrap them, hours and hours, and only minutes to tear them apart. At any rate, everyone loved their gifts, and I always love it when they love what they get.

We had breakfast shortly after, and then got started on making the feast. As usual for us, we had dinner early, and pretty much grazed at it all day and into the evening. I think I OD’ed on pie, to be honest. Totally overdid it. But it was worth it.

The following week we had our New Year’s Eve Extravaganza. We invited some of our friends, which was pretty cool. Everything went really well; the food was awesome, the games were fun, and it seemed like everyone had a pretty great time. The only sad part was that Stephen had to leave for Italy that night, and it about broke my heart to hug him goodbye. After he left, I just cried and cried. I can’t stand the idea that I won’t see him again for another year and a half. And the knowledge that he is being deployed… just, no. I want him here, with us, at home. Where he belongs. But that’s not how it is. And I have to accept that.

Other than that, it was a pretty awesome holiday this year.

More on other stuff later.

multi-layered

It happens sometimes. I’m fine, and then I’m not. I’m okay, and then I’m freaking out. Thoughts of how NOT okay I am start careening around in my head, like manic pinballs. My heart starts racing and my body breaks out in chills, all at once. I’m convinced I can’t breathe. I think, I’m going to die. I’m going to pass out and die right. here. Terror, big and dark and all-consuming, blankets me. I can’t focus on what’s real and what isn’t because in my mind, the physical symptoms mean that death is imminent. Because something is Seriously Wrong and I. am. going. to. die.

It’s called a panic attack. A very apt name since it really is an attack of panic. Unexpected, it hits you from out of nowhere. Hard and fast and painful, it takes your nerve and your breath and your composure and consumes you.

I’ve had them for years and years. When I was a teenager, sometimes I would have them multiple times a day. Over and over. I would wake up and almost as soon as my eyes opened, one would start. Or maybe I’d already be in the throes of one. They were terrible. They were horrible. They used me up and wrung me out and left me a mess in its wake. I made a fool of myself in front of my friends, at sleepovers, at school. I cried and cowered in absolute misery because of them. I had no handle on them. I had no control. They were eating me alive.

I had to find a way to not live with them but to deal with them, and a woman whose name I can’t remember gave me the key to handling them on my own. She said to me that she used to have them, too, and that she had to focus hard on something, something solid and real and right in front of her. Something she could look at and touch and hold. And focus on that, and only that, and breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe, and make the world smaller and smaller until only that thing you’re focused on exists. Until it is the sum total of your world.

It was like being thrown a lifeline when you’re drowning. I grasped onto that concept and made it my mantra. It was what helped me get a handle on the panic attacks,

They’ve declined steadily over the years, and now I can usually head them off before they even get going. There’s not always an obvious trigger; sometimes they just come on, for no apparent reason. I’ve come to recognize the tale-tell signs, and for the most part, I can get a grip before it grips me.

And then there are the times that I can’t, like tonight. It took awhile to come back down. It took a lot to manage to step back from the brink. And now I’m afraid to go lay down in the dark and try and sleep. I’m afraid to let down my guard. I’m afraid to relax.

So here I am, tapping away on my computer. Hopefully soon I can find my way to peace before the night drags on too much longer. I’m tired.

last night I wanted to punch sleep in the face

I’m not normally a violent person, but sometimes, I want to punch things and people.

I never do, though. Goes back to being “not violent”. I mean, if I had to, like, fight for my life, I could punch things or people. Or if my kids or dog were being threatened, I could see myself taking a swing or three. I’m not really a real life badass, but in my head…? I so totally AM.

That being said, last night, as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I wanted to punch things. The longer I lay there awake, the angrier I got. Sleep, that elusive bastard, was nowhere in sight.

I did all the usual tricks that normally take me away to the Land of Nod, but all that happened was… me not sleeping. I tried doing the most boring and lame thing ever, my no-fail thing, counting backwards from 100. I’ve never made it to zero. Last night I did. Twice.

I gave up at one point and wandered down to the living room where I was going to read The Strain (I’m close to the end) and then I remembered that it was the middle of the night, everyone was asleep, and this book scares me in broad daylight so maybe I SHOULDN’T read it. I decided to watch TV instead. Oh, good! I have some episodes of Dexter to catch up on… erm. Hmmm.  Maybe not…? Dexter doesn’t scare me, per se, but the premise of the show is suitably creepy, and that might work against the whole sleeping thing. Skip that. So I channel surf, and find a show on ID, only maybe I shouldn’t watch that either because it’s all true crime stuff, and it’s in the middle of the night… and I’m alone out here… and… and… what was that noise?

See, no one was winning. Not even Charlie Sheen was winning. It was an epic no-win kinda night.

I decided that I was definitely tired enough to go to bed and fall asleep. I told myself that it was late, I should be asleep, and I was ready for it. Part of me was rolling my eyes at myself and saying in my head that it wasn’t so because I knew I was lying. I told myself to shut my whore mouth, to leave me alone and stop being so negative.

Shut it. It made total sense last night.

So I headed back to my large, comfy bed where my man was sleeping all unawares that I had even left. I crawled in next to him, slid my sleep mask over my eyes, snuggled into my fluffy pillow and my blankets, got in the perfect sleep position, settled in and…

didn’t. fall. asleep.

Didn’t even DOZE. OFF.

What the fluffer, nutter?

Instead I lay there, totally comfortable and totally willing myself to sleep while my brain was laughing at me and doing cartwheels and going “neener neener neener”, and every time I tried to stop thinking, it would just take off in a new direction. It was a veritable whirlwind of activity. Where was sleep to put a curtail on this maniac?

And then, do you know what happened? I had to move. A perfectly perfect sleep position RUINED because my arm fell asleep before I did and I HAD TO MOVE. That just sucks, man. That just totally sucks.

I tossed and turned, unable to find another perfect position because, you know, that’s how it goes. And meanwhile my brain, having run out of meaningful matter to think about, starts in on the most inane and random things EVER. Things that I don’t even care about! Things I don’t even know why I know them!

I thought about getting up again and maybe reading something else or maybe finding a night-time appropriate show but by this time I was determined to GO TO SLEEP. I was going to lay there ALL NIGHT IF I HAD TO, but I was going to get some bloody sleep if. it. was. the. last. thing. I. did.

Screwing my eyes shut, curled in a tight ball, grimly determined to grab sleep and throttle the ever loving hell out of it when I finally caught it, convinced that I was going to see the light of day behind my closed lids before I saw true slumber, mad as hell…

I woke up five hours later, convinced that I was awake all night although I couldn’t quite explain how five hours had gone by with me all unawares…

It seems that sleep, that conniving ass, snuck up on me when I wasn’t looking and did it’s job anyway.

Next time, sleep. Next time you won’t be so lucky.

 

it’s not that i don’t want to…

I just don’t. I keep thinking I should get on here and write something, anything… and then I let myself get distracted. I started working on a blog a few days ago but it turned out to be way longer than I thought it was going to be, so I saved it to drafts, meant to get back to it, and still haven’t.

On the plus side, I’ve been reading a lot. I finished three books this past week, and that’s never a bad thing. And the house…? isn’t even trashed because I have KIDS who CLEAN!

So today is Thanksgiving. I feel like this is, like Valentine’s Day, a fake holiday. One that, if you think about it, shouldn’t exist. But it does, and it has for a long time, and me boycotting it isn’t going to change it. Instead, I changed the reasons we celebrate it. It’s really all about the food and having A LOT of it today. Don’t get me wrong; there have been other Tdays where we had turkey sandwiches, and even turkey TV dinners, because we couldn’t do the whole turkey dinner feast. Kinda sucked. But it was what it was, and I don’t think that anyone has ever died because they had to eat TV dinners instead of the real deal on Tday.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Food. Lots of it. That, my friends, we had indeed. A huge bird that That Guy I Married got in the oven early this morning. We had pies and potatoes and gravy and corn and biscuits and stuffing and cranberry sauce and I think that’s it. We eat early and then just pick at it for the rest of the day and again for dinner. And then put it all away, and tomorrow, we’ll have leftovers!

Yay! for leftovers.

They call tomorrow Black Friday, and if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t be venturing forth in it. But, I have to. I have to get some lady products of the feminine hygiene sort because I suck at planning ahead. If that was too TMI for you, well, then forget you just read that last paragraph.

Anyway, while I’m venturing forth, I hope I don’t die. I don’t plan on going anywhere NEAR the toy section or the electronic section or even the clothes section; I seriously doubt (hope) that there is going to be a run on the lady products. I checked the ads, and it looks like that aisle, at least, is clear of deals and steals. So I might make it out in one piece. If not… well. It was nice knowing you.

And yeah. It’s later than I thought it was. I took a nap today, and it’s kinda messed up my whole inner clock.

Catch ya later…